Post-semester update
Thank God this semester is over! School can suck sometimes, even when you enjoy it. I just have to make As so I put a lot of pressure on myself. I am my own biggest critic and competitor. But, I am learning how to calm down and take things in stride. I work hard and play hard. I have big plans, so I have to get a lot of things in order. I turn fricken 28 on Jan 16-now that sucks ass. I love getting older, but damn, my back hurts getting out of bed now. It’s officially winter with the snow. I am so frightened that I will get depressed and get whacked out, so I am acting preemptively for prevention. I am frequenting the gym and tanning salon (for the light therapy.) I am trying to eat healthier. I was extremely busy with homework and studying so I haven’t written forever. So far things are going ok. I am bored without school, but bitch when I am in school!
I have officially embraced the fact that I have a problem with sex, which is odd because I used to be a horn dog. I miss being a horn dog. I am sure Levi does too. I know where things went wrong, but it will be hard to fix. I will give more detail later. Until then, have a great night and merry christmas, winter holidays, festives, or whatever you may want to call it. nicole
dreading the future
i am sobbing profusely. i dread what the future has in store for me because i know whats i know whats gonna happen. WINTER. i hate the winter. i hate the cold. but the reason why i loathe the winter is because i get annual depressions that are debilating. i go absolutely insane. its last for months. my psychiatrist tells me to go back home to warm louisiana weather and out of the utah cold. i dont want to go on. i dont want my depression to come. i am scarred shitless. i hit my husband, lose jobs, quit school or dont start at all, hit myself, go to the ER, rack up medical bills, and act like the biggest asshole on earth. I AM TERRIFIED TO GO ON!! this summer has been extremely depressing. i usually do ok during the summer. i havent had any time off from sadness for months and it will continue to get worse. i dont want to live anymore. i hate whom i am. i am the worst wife. i treat levi like crap. i get in the worst moods. how can i graduate from college? i can barely make a semester, much less 4 years. i dont know what to do. i wish i could get high and get away for a while. in a few weeks, i will be done with drug treatment!! its an expensive joke. anyway, i gotta get back to stupid algebra.
the storm finally hit
this year has been extremely challenging. during the turn of the year, i was in a deep depression. It was the worst depression to date. I had violent outbursts with my husband, sent home from work (almost lost my job), and just was not having a good time-not to mention Utah is fricken freezing and the snow is outragious. I have fibromyalgia and i am very sensitive to cold. It literally hurts my muscles and bones. You may ask why i live here. I cant tell you why because i dont know why. i lost my mind. the night i was sent home from work, i finally called my parents in louisiana & told them the situation. they bought me a ticket to come home for a few days. the weather must have known that i needed sun, because it was perfect. the sun was out, humidity low, and breeze was just enough. I hung out with my family, relaxed, ran, and hung out with friends. I returned to work and after a couple of weeks, my depression subsided (after 4 months) and things kind of calmed down. Back to “the storm finally hit.” I dont know why but i have been battling depression this summer. It feels like it’s mania mixed with depression (Oh boy!!.) After i had my breast aumentation May 21, things went down hill. I was out of work for 6 weeks. Not good for my psyche. I spiraled into a depression. I thought way too much. I withdrew from my husband, discussed divorce,thinking about moving back to louisiana, and decided i wasnt happy with the way we were living. I hated my breasts, hated my body, and i didnt like whom i was. I wanted to get away from myself. It feels like i’m imprisoned in my own body. It feels like a straitjacket. i just wanted to leave myself. Its an uphill battle that you know you will never win. This past weekend the storm hit. I lost my job and fought with my husband. Here’s what happened. I PMS’d for a week and a half and i felt the depression about to blow, Friday night the owner scheduled an appointment outside of my schedule (everyone knows that you ask the therapist before scheduling the appointment) and it pissesd me off. He wrote a note saying that i have a 10:30 appt saturday morning. I am not scheduled until 12. So i wrote a note back saying that i cant do it and to ask before scheduling appts outside of work schedule. Well, he calls me around 10:45 saturday morning asking me where i am. (Um…30 minutes before he called, i had just woken up and i started my period -my periods are very painful and i have endometriosis.) i had the worst stomach cramps. he called 4 times back to back. i couldnt even get up to answer the phone. I said i left a note. he said he didnt see a note. well, long story short we both were very angry and i went crazy on his ass. A few weeks before, I started to resent him because he is having an affair with one of the therapists and they do some very unprofessional, inappropriate things at work like cuddling on the couch and hugging(not his first affair i’ve witnessed & they are telling everyone that they are not having an affair-so obvious) His wife is beautiful and amazing. He is 53 and she is 24. he sold some of his partnership to her. He’s known her for 3 months. she’s also a heroine addict. what a retard. he will lost everything if he doesnt get his head out of her ass. in the end, i had a choice and i chose not to work there anymore. Yes he was unprofessional on his part, but it didnt have to end the way it ened. It was unprofessinal on my part to yell at him. the combo of depression and starting my period really did me in. he has helped me through some tough times so i do feel bad for yelling at him and quitting without notice. so this is what happenen with my husband. the next day, my husband and i were at the dinner table. he was on the laptop and i was reading the newspaper. i got it to look for jobs. as i was flipping to the jobs, i saw an ad for sandal $9.99 and i read it aloud. levi said “you can’t read the ads.” it pissed me off. this was the second person that told me what to do this weekend. why cant i look at the ads? goddamn. we fought big time. yelling and then it turned to violence. he doesnt hit me. he defends himself as best as he can. i am out of control at this point. we finally calmed down. the next day we had bruises and sores. i hit my head on the wall and left a hole. i pulled my hair out and hit my head and face. tried to take out my eyeballs. mother fucker i am crazy. levi had a bruised mouth and bruises on him. i dont know why he is still with me because this most cetainly not the first time i’ve done this to him. i am taking 4 medications for bi-polar disorder. what else can they do for me? sometimes i just was to run away from levi and my family. i dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i just want to die. i can’t handle this feeling anymore. levi is a great man and he deserves better. i may just need to be by myself. i can handle hurting myself but not anyone else. this shit is better than the movies!!
Twin Falls
Want to know how it feels to be bi-polar?
Apologies for not blogging for a while. I appreciate yall comments and thats what keeps me writing. This is a second therapist for me! If you have a loved one suffering from bi-polar disorder, which i swear the devil himself created, please do some of your own research and read real blogs like this one. You need to know as much as possible so you can help him or her cope. We are moody, creative, ornery, usually intelligent because we use a lot of brain areas (typically becuase of ADD or ADHD which also inhibits), and so many other positive and negative attributes. I am a slow cycler. Most cyle through phases more quickly than i do. Mine last for months, with intermittent mood swings. I feel kind of indifferent towards things. For example, I play racquetball twice a week and look forward to it. I could care less about it today. I played like crap. I am not depressed necessarily, so i dont know what is wrong with me. I am not looking forward to the winter. That’s when my extreme depression occurrs, from Nov to Feb. Um….yeah that’s a long time. Life gets really rough, and i absolutely hate being cold so i am all around feeling shitty. the best way to describe the way i feel during a depression is that it feels like the devil is hugging me. If satan exists, he is constantly holding my hand and has a firm grip on me. He LOVES me and directs my emotions. It’s very difficult to massage because it’s hard to give a loving touch when i feel “possessed” by satan. Thats makes even more pissed. I work full-time as a massage therapist and i hate hate giving a massage. I dont want my clients to feel my negative energy. My husband has to tell me take a shower. I love my shower time so that’s another indicator for him. I lose interest in my hobbies and friends. Either i eat like a damn horse or i go anorexic for a month. It kind of feels like i revert to child-like behaviors. Levi has to take care of the bills and the household, basically doing everything. I get sent home from work, or damn near fired. I hit Levi, yell, slam doors, throw things, call names, become paranoid. In other words, my reality becomes so goddamn distorted that i dont know which feeling or emotion is real or correct. i question some decisions because i dont know whats normal or what is the bi-polar telling me what to do. aaahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! its so frustrating. its difficult to stay on the same task to finish. i am interested in everything yet i cant get anything done. just the name bi-polar is so telling. it couldnt be more appropriate. most people with mental disorders are prone to drug habits. for years i smoked weed. love it, but thank god i have court mandated random drug tests. drugs only enhance the mood swings and reality. well i am hungry so hope you enjoyed this insight. good night!! nicole
Decisions, Decisions!!
thanks for the life coaching advise! i dont even know where to begin. i have so many things on my mind. i am trying to get into college again at UVU. hopefully i can get financial aid in time to start in the fall. also, i am trying to figure out who i am. i am still trying to get used to my breast augmentation. it took me for a psychological rollercoaster. i hate and love them at the same time. i am a big tom boy so its a little hard to get used to, especially running and racquet ball. the biggest item on my list to sort out is my marriage. i have a wonderful, loving husband, but i think i have a commitment problem. i am obviously moody. i am selfish, moody, sometimes violent. i really think i should be alone. i have hurt my husband physically and emotionally. i have depressions every year and thats when i get really mean. i dont want to hurt him again the way i did in the past. i know i will in the future and it kills me to think i will. he likes to talk about things right away and i like to chill out and think about things and then talk after i sort it out. in the winter around november to february i am extremely depressed. i am suicidal, unable to work, and i can barely get out of bed. he has to tell me to even shower. i have a fantastic social worker. unfortunately, i can only afford to see her twice a month. i know we will work it all out. i am at that stage in my life again to leap further into adulthood and grow up; i am already transforming my life to make it condusive to maturity. my partying has virtually haulted. i am studying and readying books-limited television. i have become a dork. a co-worker called me a dork!! ha ha! thats cool. at least i have some smarts!! i am at a metamorphic state and ready to be molded into a productive, happy adult. i must work on my resentment towards my parents, molestation, marriage, bi-polar effects and everything that encompasses ME!! it all works out in the end! the universe loves us and knows what we need to be happy and succeed!
My Racing Mind!!!
This blog doesnt need a new title. i have been sitting here at the dinner table for quite some time thinking about my life. i am accompanied with a glass of wine (i no longer can use drugs because of court mandation and by choice) and my husband being a busy bee with dinner and chores. i have a million thoughts zooming through my head, like always. i do have ADD; it can come with bi-polar disorder. i dont know where to start. i am holding back tears as i am typing. funny how events in life can intertwine and emotions blend and feed on each other. lets start with my sessions with my social worker. she once asked me the biggest lie i ever told. i couldnt think of a big lie. i always get myself in trouble because i am honest and stupidly volunteer information. well, i realized what i lied about. i didnt tell i had a problem with pain pills. that is a classic text book example of denial!! i got into in the past year, especially beginning of this year. i have a few painful conditions. i have endometriosis, ovarian cysts (i had two surgeries and periodically have one that ruptures), fibromyalgia, and TMJD (lots of migraines and jaw pain.) i am only prescribe lyrica for my pain management. i felt like i had to go somewhere else to make life bearable. there were nights where i would cry due to pain. i felt the doctors werent listening and taking my concerms seriously. very frustrating. lyrica makes me high as kite (not in a good way), and makes waking up extremely difficult. i also take 800 mg of ibuprofen. these dont take away the pain,only a little. here in utah, pain pills are a common addiction so doctors are hestitant to prescribe them. i would get them from my husband. he had osteosarcoma at the tender age of 17. he has a metal femur, knee joint, and upper shaft of tibia and fibula. it started innocently taking it just for pain. as time went by, i used it as a destressor, and to party. my profession as a full-time massage therapist only exacerbates the pain. sometimes we would lie in bed together suffering from pain. we both feel pain in our joints when the weather is ominous and the storm hits. we feel 80 instead of 27. quite depression actually. well, we have calmed down the past few months, especially the past few weeks. we dont smoke green anymore, which helped with my migraines. well, i lied to my therapist. she will find out tuesday. i have to come clean. i will tell her about my site and i am sure she will read it. she knows of my desire to write a book. so this a different form of a book. i am going to therapy for several reasons: anger, molestation, family issues-just to name a few. i dont have the emotion to delv into these issues tonight. i do want to mention something. i always had insecurities about my body. i feel like i look like a little girl. i am 5′1 and 110 lbs. well, i got a breat augmentation. i thought this would help with self-esteem and body image. i guess i have buyers remorse because i havent felt more insecure about my body more than now. what the hell happened. i am fucked up in the head. i definitely break the mold for a lot of standards. why would this surgery deplete more self-esteem? now i am $5000 in the damn hole, just to make me more depressed. life is wonderful! well, i am done for the day. tomorrow i will tell u few funny stories about my plastic surgery.
life sure can suck sometimes!!!
- hi! my name is nicole tassing long. this is a blog about my daily life. i am no different than you are. i just have to work a little harder to stay mentally strong and stable since i have bi-polar disorder. today i am quite ornery. i went to work in a terribly cantankerous mood. there’s nothing i hate more than massaging my clients in a spoiled, rotten mood (besides unnecessary stupid assholes
).i hate having to give a “loving touch” in this state. it only seems to heighten my pissiness. i hope that my clients dont feel my negative energy. i had a great session with a client today (my second massage of the day), and it actually helped me feel better. i could tell she enjoyed the session and asked for more time. thats very rewarding!! only a handful know that i am bi-polar; matter of fact, only two clients know of out 15-20. let me explain my reasons for a down right shitty mood. i deserve the shit that i am in; you make your bed, you lie in it. so when something shitty happens, i make it more dramatic than what it has to be. i am currently taking four medications. i see my psychiatrist only 2-3 montsh. i also see a social worker twice a month. i am 27. i am from hammond, louisana but moved to orem, ut 3 yrs ago. i was diagnosed with bi-polar disease when i was 19. that was a rough year. lets go back to today. i have court mandated drug treatment for 3 months, random drug tests, a warrant for my arrest (not related to drugs), far behind on bills due to a surgery i had 2 months ago. my husband and i are having marital trouble. it feels like if one more problem is laid upon my shoulders, i will go awol. i can only take so much. i have been drug free for over month. it feels fanstactic. i am still a little depressed from withdrawals, but i can handle it. i deserve whatever it takes to get clean. my husband and i got busted december 23, 2008. we both got possessoin of marijuana and paraphernalia. he also got a dui, illegal lane change, incomplete blinker, and open container (our friend left that nice surprise for us!!!) we took a plea so we are required for the druge treatment and the random drug tests. besides being a $4,000 night, it was truly a blessing in desquise. we worked on cleaning our act well before we were even summoned, so it isnt hard to comply with the court system. my husband also had to spend two night in the penn. i am really upset with myself for even putting myself in the situation to get busted. i have never been in legal trouble before. i didnt even know what constituted a misdameanor. so this was a bombshell right in my face. we deserved it. you shouldnt drink and drive, and you shouldnt tag around drugs. i am not saying not to smoke weed or use other drugs. thats your choice. i admit that i love pain killers and marijuana. i love to relax and get away from the world for a little while. i just know that i am in a heap or trouble because of it and i have a lot more motivation to do the things i want now that i have a clear mind. i am starting school in the fall a utah vally university and then will transfer to the university of utah to obtain my degree in neuroscience. i have medical school in sight. whether court mandated or not, i have not choice but to be drug free. i need all the brain cells i have to make it through med school. frankly, who the hell wants a druggie doctor!!! ha ha! i dont want to be 40 and regret not to ”say yes to my dreams.” i have a passion, love, and respect for the human body. i have studied anatomy and physiology for two years and i am sure i will study it another year or two. i ultimately would like to be a pediactric neurologist. i have struggles with bi-polar disorder tremendously. my life is a roller coaster. i have no idea what mood or personality i will be in. i dont have multiple personalities, but it sure as hell feels like it. when i plan a vacation, i pray that i will not get angry and that i will be pleasant to be around. its a day to day struggle. there are times when i cant get out of bed, much less shower and drag my depressed ass to work-further more massage. i know things will be alright. they always work themselves out. i am live, have a great support system, and the freedom to fulfill my dreams. please feel free write about your experiences. i would love to hear them. i am not responsible for lives. please call 911 if you feel suicidal. things always smooth themselves over, then it starts again. i will try to blog daily. this just a blog about psycho white girl in america!!! c u tomorrow.